LOVE-SEX IN A RELATIONSHIP
Sexuality is all about a) procreation (getting babies, raising them and parenthood), b) love-relationships c) personal and collective recreational fun and orgasmic pleasure, but also d) physical- , emotional- and spiritual sexual health & well-being.
Relationship sexology focuses on the love and sex in the relationship (us) and the love and sex of the individuals (you and me) involved in the relationship.
Sexuality is not only meant to produce babies. It is also meant to be enjoyed as an erotic feast of life, pleasure and ecstasy. But it is even more. Sexuality is the artistic vehicle to express and celebrate the deepest and most intimate relationship between two people (or more) in love. Therefore, sexuality finds its fulfillment best in a meaningful relationship. Thus a spiritual sexual unity is formed that transcends all our ultimate bodily pleasures and our deepest emotions and we experience eternity... ... A relationship is the second of four important reasons why human beings are sexual beings. To fall in love, have a happy relationship and getting married is an equal important and most common dream of almost all children and teenagers. Marriage and relationships are the cornerstones of our society and family life. Without a loving relationship life loses much of its meaningfulness and its joyfulness. Both partners often gain deep inner self-fulfillment by fulfilling the sexual needs of the other person – the receivable lover or spouse. Nothing gives a person more satisfaction in a relationship as when he or she is able to satisfy his or her partner sexually. Physical sexual fulfillment, psychological sexual fulfillment as well as mutual intimacy on all levels are core needs in relationships. Sexuality plays a central role in creating intimacy in a relationship.”(Lemmer,
2015, 2019). Dr Barnaby Barratt once wrote: “Sexuality is the source of all creative, spiritual, emotional, and relational growth. Yet, too often, sexual pleasure becomes the focus of shame and guilt, the centre of our most secret conflicts, and the area in which we have been most deeply hurt and wounded. Since overcoming the pain of my own childhood, I have been committed to helping others achieve their potential for sexual health, healing, and happiness. It is my intention that those who seek my expertise will find me available, helpful, and caring”. (Barratt, 2005).
The third core element of human sexuality is recreation, fun and pleasure. Milton Diamond, former president of the Society for the Scientific Studies of Sexuality and Professor of Anatomy and Reproductive Biology in Hawaii, emphasizes that “having children is not the purpose of most sexual activity. And the ubiquity of self-stimulation from birth to tomb is testimony that sexual pleasure does not always require a partner…Sex gives pleasure…Sex provides release from tension.” (Diamond, 1984, p. 11).
“In typical female sexual-recreation, the whole body, the breasts, the vagina, the anus and mainly the outer & inner clitoris, are the core physical elements responsible for women to enjoy ultimate sexual pleasure during their lifespan. In typical male sexuality-recreation the physical focus is more on the penis, the testicles, the anus and the prostate. A healthy mental sexual desire (libido), sexual bodily arousal (erection / lubrication) and skilled sexual performance (foreplay, orgasm & after play) are necessities in order to achieve ultimate sexual pleasure & deep physical-, emotional- and spiritual satisfaction. Sex and love are two different sides of one coin (relationship sexology). In the past men tend to express their desire for sex more while women tend to express their desire for love more. Luckily, this is rapidly changing with the sexual empowerment of women.” (Lemmer, 2015, 2019).
It is important to note that all partners in a love relationship has each their own personal sexuality as well as a shared sexuality as a couple. An ideal love-sex relationship is when all 3 circles are in balance (see the diagram below) with C as focus point to achieve ultimate sexual fulfillment and deep physical-, emotional- and spiritual satisfaction. (Lemmer
- RELATIONSHIP SEXOLOGY
- Core Elements of a Relationship
2.2. Diversity & Dynamics of Relationships
It is important to understand the complexity of the dynamics of a relationship as well as the diversity regarding the different kinds of relationships.
- a) Every relationship has its own unique dynamics.
- b) There are many different ways to structure a relationship (each with its own pros and cons). In the Christian Bible at least five different formal structures of relationships and family life are described. Matriarchy
/ Patriarchy / Tribal / Mono-Amory, Polyamory are examples of what lies underneath the surface of these relationship structures.
Examples of relationship structures are monogamy, polygamy, a variety of polyamory relationship structures, Living Apart Together (LAT), open relationships, swinging etc.
- Diagnoses & Prognosis of a Relationship
There are always at least three partners involved in every relationship: I, YOU and US. The relationship therapist should always act in the interest of ALL THREE “partners” where the I and the YOU are of a slightly higher priority than the US (relationship).
(This doesn’t mean that the relationship therapist takes sole professional responsibility for the individuals – referring individuals to a relevant professional colleague is most of the time necessary.) DIAGNOSIS = the
current status quo (situation) / “problems” / “issues” of the a) the YOU (other), the I (self) and especially the US (the relationship). PROGNOSIS = what are the prospects of the relationship? What are the chances / possibilities
of solving the above “problems” / “issues” of the a) the YOU (other), the I (self) and especially the US (the relationship)? PERSONALITY plays a major role in every relationship. Nothing is more important than to know,
understand & accept who your partner really is (and who you really are). PERCEPTIONS are just as important in every relationship, but perceptions are most of the time based on feelings and intuition rather than on real
facts. It is human that we all have presupposed perceptions of every individual involved in the relationship regarding the I, YOU and US.
- SEXOLOGY SA: A VARIETY OF PRODUCTS ON RELATIONSHIP SEXOLOGY.
3.1. Sexual Pleasure & Recreation Videos 3.2. Advanced Sex Education 3.3. Short Courses (Certificate) 3.4. Professional Sexuality Questionnaires (Evaluate you and/or your partner
- A professionally designed questionnaire with detailed and explicit questions about sexual fantasies and sexual behavior. 30,000 participants. UK-study.
- A comprehensive in-depth questionnaire on the sexual being and sexual behavior of the youth. Soweto 2010.
- Master’s quantitative and qualitative research questionnaires on the sexuality of Afrikaans-speaking Christians.
- A variety of short practical questionnaires to evaluate your own personal sexuality, the current status / diagnoses of your relationship and the prognoses - what is the future of our relationship- is it worth working
- Personal love-sex profiling questionnaires.
- Questionnaires on what type of a life/love partner will be the best for me.
- Many more ...